


Spectrum

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst and Tragedy, Call Forward, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Female on Male Abuse, Ficlet Collection, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Leaning on the Fourth Wall, M/M, Meta, Meta Humor, Nightmares, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Abuse, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Ben Solo, Sexual Harassment Mention In Chapter Three, Sick Character, Survivor Guilt, Torture, at least there are vibes in Chapter Five with Ben, guilty Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25032010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ben/Kylo and Poe, and the different states they’ve experienced.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Kudos: 1
Collections: The Darkpilot Library





	1. Sick: Ben Solo/Kylo Ren

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: First chapter in honor of my feeling terrible. Also, thinking of doing each sensation twice: one for Ben/Kylo, one for Poe.

It was Luke who suggested he go rest after he got sick. 

“Ben,” Uncle Luke said, “For your benefit, I think it is best that you go back to your hut and try and recover. Just try and sleep it off...”

Ben scoffed. “That’s a way of putting it.”

”You’ll feel better.”

Ben sniffled. “That doesn’t say much.”

***

Poe called. It was one of their usual calls over hologram, and Poe looked at Ben, clearly worried. “Stang, Ben, you look terrible.”

”Thanks for noticing,” Ben said sarcastically. He sniffled, before blowing his nose. “I don’t know what the hell I caught, but I hate whoever touched that doorknob and spread it.”

”Yeah, I know, Ben." Then, “Want me to distract you?”

”Sure. Tell me about how you’re doing.”

Poe sighed. “Doing better. I think they’re getting used to me.”

”They should,” Ben said. He sneezed. 

”Bless you,” Poe said. 

“Thanks. Sorry.”

”Not like you chose to get sick.”

”Still.” Ben blew his nose. “They should accept you. You’re trying to be better.”

”It’s a work in progress.”

”Still, it wasn’t fair what happened to you. Being manipulated as a kid.”

Sometimes he swore he’d damn the galaxy if it meant Poe was happy. Sometimes the Voice in his head said he should.

”I know. I’m getting it,” Poe said. 

”That’s good. I’ll keep telling you until you believe it.”

”I could tell you about what I learned today.”

Ben nodded. 

”Clone Wars stuff. Pretty fascinating.” And as Poe went on, Ben could swear that he could be soothed by Poe’s voice alone. Poe’s voice, soft and calming. He could imagine himself on the battlefield with the Negotiator and the Hero With No Fear...two people he could never be, but wanted to be nonetheless. 


	2. Sick: Poe Dameron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: A Ben By Any Other Name
> 
> Alternate Title 2: Poe gets friendly with the fourth wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“I wish that I could use a lightsaber to fight off germs,” Ben said. They were talking over hologram, Poe recuperating from a bad case of the flu going around that left him barred from flying his ship. Which, he had to admit, sucked. 

Poe laughed. “That’s a good Sith Lord name. Darth Flu.” He sighed. “Guess we all have our own mini-Darths, I guess. I mean, we’ve got Darth Homework, which I still have to deal with...it’s like they’re a big bad duo ganging up on me...”

Ben laughed. “Darth Work, where I have to work in the Archives. Darth Uncle — when Uncle Luke reaches his breaking point...”

”Maybe we could call it Darth Rage for when we get angry. That’s a cool Sith name, Darth Rage; wonder if anyone used it...”

”I can imagine not many people trusted that being,” Ben deadpanned. “Then again, somehow people trusted characters named Darth Sidious. And Darth Vader. Darth Maul.”

”Not just Sith,” Poe said. “I mean, General Grievous? Does that sound like a guy you’d want to make a business deal with?”

”Yeah.” Ben sighed. “I don’t know why the bad guys in history have such obviously evil names. You’d think people would know better than to be associated with them.”

Poe laughed. Then, “Well, you know, so do the good guys. I mean, Han Solo?”

Ben frowned. 

”Sorry,” Poe said. “That was mean.”

”No, you’re right. Sometimes I’ve been wishing I was someone else.”

”Who?”

”Stronger. Tougher. Scarier. You know when we’d make believe with the Kylo thing?”

”Yeah.”

”It’s like he’s everything I want to be. The name Ben...I mean, Obi-Wan’s dead, and ‘Solo’ was something my dad was given because he didn’t have a last name. I mean...it’s a lot to live up to. I don’t like myself a lot of the time.”

”I like you,” Poe said. It was painful — being physically sick, while knowing Ben was dealing with a more emotional/mental affliction. “You’re a likeable person. And whatever you call yourself, Ben Solo or Kylo or whatever, you’ll still be amazing.”


	3. Anger: Ben Solo/Kylo Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Ben Solo Has The Common Sense Of A Wet Cabbage Like His Grandfather Before Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for mentions of sexual harassment/sexual bullying.

One wouldn’t expect Ben Solo to fly all the way to the Academy to defend Poe’s honor, but here he was. Even as he entered the headmistress of the Academy’s office, even she seemed surprised seeing Ben. Then again, Ben supposed that she probably didn’t take a teenage Jedi Padawan seriously. 

”You wanted to see me?” Mai Onasi said. 

”I did. About Poe. No, I’m not his dad. He’s too old to have his dad fight his battles for him. I thought I’d lend a hand.” Ben took a deep breath. “You’re a bunch of filthy, victim-blaming hypocrites and Poe’s too easy on you.”

”Well, that was certainly to the point,” Mai deadpanned.

”Do you take pleasure in bullying a victim of emotional abuse by Delia Glass? A man who had to watch someone being whipped as a teenager?” Ben could all but hear the Voice in his mind goading him, encouraging him to go for the jugular. Letting the anger flow through him. “Why?! Your cadets are bullying my friend and you’re just letting it happen...”

”Mr. Solo, I assure you that I had no idea,” Mai said. “This is unacceptable behavior.”

”No stang,” Ben snapped. “You know what made me come down here? Some...some...kriffing waste of sperm and eggs decided to take it up a notch. Sexually harassing Poe. He nearly had a panic attack telling me about it! Just assuming that just because he’s beautiful, he’d kriff everything with a v — ”

”You make your point vividly, thank you,” Mai said. “Mr. Solo, I understand your intentions are good, but could you have considered it was Mr. Dameron’s decision and your intervention was well-intentioned but inappropriate?”

Ben’s anger ebbed, and he suddenly felt like sinking into the floor in embarrassment. 

Mai softened her voice. “Typically, survivors of sexual misconduct...they want some degree of agency in what happens to their abusers. When someone harasses, or abuses, they take the power away even temporarily from the survivor. The best thing you can do is support them, but don’t pressure them.” Then, “I’m not a therapist, but I’ve had people file reports of sexual misconduct before. It is far from pleasant.”

”Well...I really kriffed up,” Ben said. He sighed. “Poe’s going to be furious.”

”That’s up to him,” Mai said. “Mr. Solo...I don’t doubt you have good intentions. It’s obvious that you care very deeply about this man.”

”We grew up together before I went to the Academy.”

”Poe spoke of you,” Mai said. “He speaks very highly of you. Saying compassion is a hallmark of your creed...I say there aren’t many beings that are like that at all.”

”Maybe more than you think.” There was more than one kind of trauma, Ben knew. And Mai...if she wasn’t careful, she’d just become jaded and desensitized. “Poe’s a good man. Funny. Brave. Strong. Kind.”

”He is,” Mai said. “And he is lucky to have you. Your heart is in the right place, even if you act rashly.” Then, “In terms of sexual harassment and bullying, I’m required to deal with the students who did this. We’ll have to come to a consensus — I don’t like this any more than you do, but I will make sure Mr. Dameron is safe if it’s the last thing I do.”

Ben nodded. “Thank you.”

***

When the students responsible were kicked out of the Academy, Ben could say he did the right thing, and he made sure to send a missive to Mai Onasi thanking her. 


	4. Anger: Poe Dameron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Ben and Mai Onasi’s confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“What the kriff is wrong with you?” Poe snapped. “You could have just let me handle those people at the Academy the way I saw fit; you didn’t have to make a scene!”

Ben was in his hut. Poe had called, and Ben had to admit his heart sank to see him angry. Especially since in a way, Mai Onasi was right; he should have left it up to Poe. 

Ben took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I went behind your back. I just...wanted to help.”

Poe sighed. He looked tired now, like the energy had been drained from him. Then, “Next time, talk to me. And don’t take action when you’re about to become a Mustafar of rage.”

”Yeah. I should have talked to you.”

”You should have. Still,” Poe said, “It has been better. I guess that’s good.”

”Yeah.”

Silence.

”You’re a kind person, Ben,” Poe said. “And for some reason, you see the good in me when few people do.”

”You are a good person,” Ben said. Would he have to keep telling Poe until Poe believed it? He couldn’t help but wonder. “Don’t doubt it.”

He would keep telling Poe until Poe believed it. 


	5. Nightmares: Ben Solo/Kylo Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s nightmares, and how he deals with Poe’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben’s nightmares are busy. He doesn’t know whether they’re nightmares or visions of the future, but they’re there nonetheless. One particularly horrifying one — Poe’s being tortured, and he’s on this rack, and the nightmare forces him to hear Poe screaming —

Even though the idea of hurting Poe is repellent. 

Is he a monster for it? Those nightmares — Ben wracks his brain, frantically, for a hint of something that suggests that anything’s there. For a sign he hated it. 

He’s relieved when he does. The last thing he wants to be is a monster. 

***

When Poe has nightmares, they’re usually about his time as a spice runner. About Delia Glass throwing him to the ground, about watching a man being whipped and wishing that he could take the man’s place (at seventeen. You shouldn’t have to worry about that at seventeen. Or ever, Ben thinks), about seeing the effects on people suffering from spice withdrawal. 

The ones about other people getting hurt seem to bother him more than people hurting him. 

”Because it was my fault,” Poe says, after one particularly harrowing night. “I couldn’t save them. In some ways, I...I good as killed them...”

Ben watches him. Hurting, wishing he could do something. Wishing he could take the pain away. Is that what it means to love someone? To want to take the pain for them? And not even that compassion Poe feels, but just centered around this precious, perfect being. Ben’s felt compassion before, for Voe — wanting to tell her she’s better than she thinks she is and she doesn’t need to compete with him to feel better. But Poe...

He swears he’ll damn Kijimi itself if it means Poe’s safe. 

”You didn’t know,” Ben says. “You were tricked and groomed...”

”If I don’t leave until I’m twenty-one, is it still grooming?”

”Adults can be groomed too.”

Poe sighs. “Ben...you don’t have to keep believing in someone like me. You don’t know what I’ve done...”

”I believe in you because I choose to,” Ben says. 

He wishes that they weren’t separated by a holoscreen. He loves him, Ben realizes. He loves him to the point it feels like agony.

”I'd say the same for you,” Poe says. 

Ben wishes there were words, appropriate poetry, for what he feels. 


	6. Nightmares: Poe Dameron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe’s nightmares have a lot of monsters in them. Too many, actually. 

Not all the monsters are straightforward monsters. Zorii, for instance — she’s not a monster. She’s a prisoner, same as Poe, and he wishes he’d been able to save her. To get her out. 

”You can’t save someone who isn’t willing,” Dad said, but Poe isn’t sure he believes it. Then again, compassion...it gnaws away at him, a compulsion to relieve people of pain. 

Zorii was in pain, in her way. And Delia...

It’s easy to see how Zorii was exploited. But Poe...he reached adulthood in the Spice Runners’ ranks, thanks to his own insufferable idiocy. 

Ben says he was groomed. Poe...was he? He shudders to think about it. There were certain ways Delia looked at him, but it wasn’t like she acted on them...

The idea of being groomed is too terrible to imagine. Poe can live with Delia being manipulative. He can’t live with the idea that she hurt him. 

***

It’s easier to tell Ben he doesn’t deserve it. When Ben’s talking about his nightmares, Poe knows he’s not a bad person. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt Poe. He’s always seen the best of Poe, even when it’s obvious Poe doesn’t deserve it. Poe just doesn’t know why he can’t forgive himself. Why he thinks so little of himself. 

”You’re not a monster,” Poe says. “I just know it.”

”Do you?”

”Thoughts don’t automatically equal actions. And just because you have a nightmare about something doesn’t mean you want to do it. Hell, what I heard...I think a lot of Jedi have nightmares. They just don’t talk about it.”

”I hope." Ben swallows. “You’re my friend. My best friend. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Poe doesn’t know where that came from, but he nods. “I know you won’t. I just do.”


End file.
